I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Let's get the cat blown out
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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