I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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