unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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