I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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