I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
