i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
