I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
