Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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