I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
