Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize