Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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