You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
