my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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