I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So many bounce houses so little time
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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