Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
