apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
