I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
