I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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