i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
