@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
