She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
