I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
