Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
