What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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