Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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