I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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