apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
