as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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