Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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