I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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