Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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