remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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