Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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