I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
