in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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