she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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