Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
