I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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