I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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