Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
