I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
