onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
