My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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