I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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