let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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