Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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