There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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