Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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