I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
