If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
