I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
