I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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