Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
