what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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