If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
