I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
