I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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