gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
