Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
