Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
