Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize