Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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