MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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