you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
