It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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