she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
