even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
