dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
